Go on and spill it

Julian hummed softly to himself as he stirred the ingredients in the frying pan, setting it back down on the stove.  The variety of contents of the dish simmered as he flipped them about with a spatula before setting that down too.  He turned his attention to uncorking some wine for the two of them.  He HAD plans to take her out somewhere fancy, but well... Things didn't get much farther than "hi" before clothes disappeared.  The last he'd seen Selena she was a little dazed on the couch.  He'd slipped away to start making her food, since the restaurant had closed by now.  He was in a T-shirt and boxers which officially qualified as "cozy wear" for him.

He peeked over the kitchen counter, trying to see if he could see her.

Selena had grabbed her sweater once Julian was done making all her horrible thoughts go far far away, having pulled it over her head and let it settle of her before slipping her hair out. She was sated and pleased, but that glow was quickly disappearing as the man went to make dinner...

Food was important yes, but not particularly what she wanted right now. Food left her mind to wander, like right now. Her pets would be home within a day or so but for now she was unpleasantly cleared of all adorableness and sexiness...

It wasn't the nicest feeling in the world...

As Julian peeked over, she fell to her side on the couch, hair splaying out as she curled up on her side. Her sweater covered arms wrapped around them underneath as she buried her face against her knees and tried not to think about pretty hazel eyes and a smirk... or the gaping portal she had passed through more times than she'd ever expected in her life... or the fact that there were no marks on her at all to show where she'd been shot just a week before.

Julian was making a nice pleasant dinner for them. She'd...focus on that as best she could.

Julian smiled as she sat there. She was... honestly beautiful. It seemed strange to admit it, but probably the most beautiful woman he'd ever met. Not that he liked saying things like that... at least when they weren't joined at the hips, but... She suddenly plopped over, his eyes widened and blinked a few times, before narrowing... hrm.. was she....

He stood up and walked over to the couch, quietly looking over at her in her fetal position. Um... she seemed... sort of sad... sort of really sad.. He didn't... He looked back at the food. It had a few minutes to simmer. He looked around, as if someone would see him before sinking to his knees behind the couch and leaning over it. He glanced around again, truly worried someone would catch him in an act of unsuave tenderness and reached down, running his hand from her head, down through her hair.

"Hey... What's wrong?"

Filled with own moping, Selena entirely missed the fact that Julian had left his cooking for the moment to soothe her. She didn't miss it as a hand settled on her head softly and ran through her hair, startling her and causing her to jolt in place. That...

"I-I...um... Aren't you cooking dinner?" Her eyes glanced over at Julian only briefly before they turned away. She didn't even try to laugh it off or put forth some sort of teasing to distract him, but she did attempt a smile. "Its gonna burn and nothings open that doesn't deliver."

It was normally there that she'd include some sort of jab or remark, but instead she let it go. She should try to pretend harder! But there were things she needed...to talk about. "Hey, after food is done...can we talk? Its important."

There, she'd said it... said it outloud and when he wasn't distracted. There were no excuses or easy ways out now!

He frowned. Something was... wrong... really wrong.. she wasn't... acting like herself at all... well not her usual self. Dinner was fine, it could simmer. He was much more worried about her... Had something happened? He'd had trouble getting in touch with her... He knew she had... other guys... but in the past, she'd always at least texted him or something when she could... He kept stroking her hair before she asked him to talk.

Oh god. That couldn't be good. Was she dumping him? Wait, were they dating? Was she... something badding him? Shit. Shit, what'd he do? Okay... she'd smiled about dinner... it... PROBABLY wasn't something he'd done... Okay just... don't panic... yes... relax..

"Yeah. Y-yeah, of course." He faltered a little but mostly spoke softly with a smile. He blinked for a few seconds before he leaned down and kissed her. Uncharacteristically, this kiss was on the forehead. He stood back up and headed over to the frying pan, nervous, but focusing on the food.

Selena's eyes closed and her smile grew a bit more genuine as Julian petted her hair softly. It felt nice and soothing, and in her utter mope and rather selfish turn of thoughts didn't really seem to notice how sweet he was being. How worried he was or anything.

Instead she soaked it all in like a sponge. Attention and affection and kindess were things she needed and just because it was Julian, who was kind in his own way, didn't mean she would turn it down or be able to notice...

His stutter though caught her attention, forcing her mope fog to peel just a bit away as he kissed her forehead. She blinked, that wasn't like him at all. He'd steal kisses all the time with no remorse if she let him... Her eyes followed him out to the kitchen as she wondered if her leaving for a week had really bothered him so much.

The woman sat up on the couch, still watching him as her legs slowly uncurled and fell over the edge before she stood up to follow him. Should she ask...?

He continued humming to himself as he cooked, though now it was less from contentment and more out of avoiding silence. He flipped the bits in the pan before taking it off the heat and stirring in some meat and sauce. He put the heat on its lowest setting and set it to simmer for a few minutes before it'd be ready. He sighed and turned around, about to put his hand on his head when he noticed her and startled, almost knocking over the pan and backing up to the counter a bit.

"Oh, hey! Sorry, was the humming bothering you?" He smiled softly, not expecting that was the case. He wasn't sure what was wrong though. She just seemed... His smile slipped, tilting into a sideways front. He stood up and walked over to her, putting his arms around her shoulders and holding her tight. He didn't know what the problem was but... He could at least hold her, right?

Selena was soothed by the humming really, she liked music and being around Luca had made it even more potent. Julian had a nice singing voice, at least he could keep a tune as well. She waited for him to notice her, her eyes and face rather blank for the moment before he turned.

The startled reaction made her smile just a bit as he backed away, her fingers covered by the sweater as she brought it up to her lips. "No. I liked it, you can keep doing it if you want."

Julian's rather nice smile slipped away though and she knew then what was wrong. He knew something was wrong with her, though it was obvious... As his arms went around her she reached up and gripped his shirt, holding him to her as she rested her head against his chest. Quiet, she was just quiet... "Sorry, I just have some things that happened that you have to know. I'm...okay-ish, promise."

He frowned even more as she clung to him. This was... so weird... she'd gotten emotional a few times before, usually when he did nice stuff for her (nice stuff that couldn't be seen as beneficial to staying in her pants anyway), but he hadn't ever really seen her mopey before.. He was a little scared, even knowing it wasn't his fault.

A hand came up to gently start playing with her hair. No electricity, or grazes of her neck. He was sure comfort sex might help later but right now it was just good old fashioned sweetness.

"ake your time. I'm all ears but you don't need to push yourself." He considered saying more but.. just let the sentence go there...

Selena sucked in this comfort, using it to rebuild her defenses as Julian's hand played with her hair. She'd need them to explain to the man, still at times unsure of how he felt or why he did things. He obviously liked her company and well the sex, but did he like her like her? He was too much of a flirt for her to ever entertain the notion of him being just hers, even if it boiled her blood to think of him touching others.

But she could accept that if it meant she had him. It wasn't like she was entirely a hypocrite, she knew her feelings were ridiculous.

"Haha... I think taking time will make it harder. And I should trust you with more things, even if I know you aren't serious about me." Selena shook her head, a bit self deprecatingly before a bit more steel appeared in her spine than before. It seemed her moments of weakness were passing for now, the woman gathering up all her strength to close herself off so she could explain.

She pulled away gently and glanced at the stove, her walls having fully returned and the mope disappearing. "It would be awful if dinner burned and I had to talk about this."

Even if he wasn't... He felt his face burning. She was so... That.. "I... It's..." He sighed and let it go. He.. he was serious about her... he was pretty sure of it anyway... He just... didn't.. know how to say it? Or want to admit it maybe.. But... she was important to him. Probably too important but... He let his hands slide over her as she slipped away and looked at the stove. "Yeah.." He said solemnly. He took the food off of the stove and added a few more things, stirring it, before dishing some out onto plates and carrying them to the table before coming back for the wine.

He handed her her glass. "Well, if you'll come right this way, hopefully a nice dinner can cheer you up." He said, regaining his usual demeanor. He felt... odd... like he owed her something... even just.. letting her know that she meant something to him... But he'd let her go first. He walked with her to the table before sitting down and taking a sip of the wine. "Well, I'm all ears, but I don't want you to feel pressured. Take however much or little time you need." He offered helpfully.

Selena wondered what his words had been about, had Julian been about to say something? However she let it drop. Much like her, he had things he obviously kept away and hidden so who was she to question him? He was just as solemn as she was right now, obviously accepting the serious nature of what she was hinting at.

Watching as he finished the food, she felt like staying near him and so refused to herself to head to the table just yet until he handed her a glass of wine. Her eyes had been watching him intently and she didn't stop even as he led her back to the table, a bit quiet but smiling. "Any dinner I don't have to make is already a happy one."

Selena took her seat and sipped her wine as well, using it as liquid courage before setting the glass down and staring at the food for a moment. Attempting nonchalance, she spoke softly but clearly. "Well its best to get the worst news over with first... A week and a half ago I went to Japan and almost got assassinated. I don't recommend it, its not very nice. The assassinating, not Japan, getting shot three times in the chest is never fun."

There had been no marks at all on her body though... She took another sip of wine once she had eaten her bite and looked up. "The food is delicious! Thank you Julian."

He eyed the food, waiting for her to sit down and take a bite, rather hungry himself. He waited till she set down and started investigating it before taking a bite. He would soon find himself regretting that. He chewed it, glancing up. Okay... So... the worst was first.. She was in Japan and...

"Hack ah.. Wh. Wh... Hrm..." He put his hand on the table and quickly grabbed the wine, draining the glass to wash his food down, still coughing on it for a moment. Without thinking he was up and had slid around to her side of the table, dropping to one knee. "Are.. Are you okay?" His throat was still a little sore from choking but he didn't particularly care.

Shot? THREE TIMES? IN THE CHEST? For this moment, he was too concerned to keep his face from displaying his panic. Or to think it through that any wounds must be completely healed. He slid her sweater down, the neck loosely stretching around her shoulders so he could check for wounds. He legitimately was only checking for wounds too, to be fair, before looking up at her face and wrapping his arms around her in a tight hug.

Having expected a bit of choking, though maybe if she'd been able to look up she could have timed it better... Selena wasn't too shocked by that or the downing of the wine. It wasn't important...What was important though was his response after.

"Y-You won't find any marks! I am all healed." Selena was surprised and couldn't respond physically for a moment, her voice raised up as Julian rushed for her, tugging her sweater down and baring the upper part of her chest. It locked her arms in place as the neck of the sweater stretched, her hands moving as best she could to his hands.

Julian was that...that worried? As he pulled her into a tight hug, she felt tears welling up. How...how come he was...so... so worried? She buried her face against his chest, continuing on and letting the tears fall and soak into his shirt. "I-I was saved by Luca... I was...dying and Luca... Luca took me home, to his home, he'd been worried and followed me to Japan. He's not a fullbringer. H-He's the Septimo Espada... He'd lied. He'd been terrified of...my response...so he lied."

Julian's panicked face...just like Luca's. She'd never seen them before on either of them and yet she'd caused both.

He stared past her as she insisted she was saved and began crying, feeling the tears through the soft material of the shirt. He squeezed her a little tighter, feeling a miserable knot in his stomach, finding out that she'd nearly been killed... At least she was okay though. He sighed, as if just finding out that she'd be fine and leaned down to kiss her on the top of her head.

So... Luca was responsible. He made a small unsure growl-like sound. He... wasn't a fan of Luca.. .It... wasn't anything he did just... Julian could not admit it, even to himself, but it was jealousy plain and simple. He knew she had other paramours, but only Luca did she seem to fawn over like that... But.. if he saved her life... He sighed again. Okay, Luca got at least a FEW points in his book....

Julian's relief ended when she explained who, or rather, WHAT Luca really was... He... wasn't human.. he'd lied to her about what he was... He exhibited no outward reaction other than his eyes, which snapped open, fortunately out of Selena's view... His blood ran cold though... That... He... He could understand that... He sank back to rest on his knees in front of her. The resting fear of her discovering him... finding out Luca had shared that fear... finding out she'd nearly died and that Luca of all people saved her...

He leaned forward and quickly gave her a firm kiss on the lips, one hand sliding up to cradle her head before pulling away. "I'm just happy you're alive." He said the only thing he could agree with himself on.

Selena clung to Julian once again, unable to even be ashamed at how much emotion she was showing him like this. How much weakness... How vulnerable... He kissed the top of her head, causing a soft sob to shake her for a moment before he then moved from holding her down.

His words caused her to startle again, surprised by them and his actions as she responded softly to the firm kiss. She couldn't...couldn't do more right now and his words... He was happy she was alive?

"But he's an arrancar..." It seemed like now that she had admitted things and was given persmission, the words wouldn't stop spilling out. The tight dam of emotions and thoughts was just bursting at the seams before it spilled over. She stared down at Julian, pure and utter hurt radiating from her and her eyes. Her mouth twisted in a grimace. "I hate hollows... I hate arrancar... I hate shinigami... I hate them! B-But... I just... I can't hate Luca... I love him too damned much. He was so terrified, I can't hate him for lying either. I want to so badly but I can't!"

"I was the monster, the one who was scary.... I was the one making him shake with fear... He's not a monster...but arrancar are monsters..." Selena's head leaned against his hand as her eyes clenched shut tightly. It was just a complicated mess of emotions and feelings in her head, she was torn...torn to pieces... The final bit of news stumbled from her lips after that. "And...Hibiki... I-I think he...fell in love with someone else. W-Well I know he did... or well... he cares for someone else and wants...He... he... ended things... the other day too..."

Some may have called her callous or cold or messed up for having three men, but... as was obvious now... she cared for all of them rather deeply. It wasn't just sex... More tears poured down her cheeks as her hands moved up to bury her face in them. Just all of this, almost dying, Luca's reveal... Hibiki's leaving her...

He felt his face beginning to show just some of the anguish he was feeling at seeing her like this, at least in his eyes. He hadn't ever seen her... like this... so pained.. it was terrible... He moved up a little and gently tugged her from the seat, gently guiding her to sit against him, facing away. He slipped an arm around her waist to steady her while he stroked her hair. She... loved him... She said it... He wondered if she... she couldn't, she didn't dote on him like she did Luca... Not that he gave her much opportunity to, or intended to...

He pulled her close up to him, leaning in to sort of nuzzle against her face through all of her hair. She was... confused.. And he didn't know what to say... He didn't hate arrancar like she did.. he didn't want to... contribute to that... she just... she.. she needed something stable, right now? "I'll never leave you." He found himself saying. It... didn't sound like something he'd say... but he HAD just said it. "I..." He sighed, starting to tremble.

"I don't know if.. you feel about me the way you do them... And I don't... I'm not very good with handling emotions." he admitted. He really just... didn't KNOW what to tell her... about Luca.. or whoever the hell Hibiki was... "But... I can hold you and stroke your hair... And I can tell you with all confidence I'll always be here. That's what I can do to help." Saying it aloud, he didn't feel like it sounded nearly as helpful as it had in his head...

Selena wasn't looking yet, she couldn't look as she felt too miserable from her admissions and she allowed Julian to move her almost as if she was a doll at this point. She was pulled to him, laying her back against his chest and he stroked her hair which was calming but... But she couldn't respond too much really. Even the nuzzles only got a small smile he couldn't see, her hands leaving her face to fall to her lap.

... Julian's words DID get a reaction though, a slight hopping of her body on his as she tossed her head up. She wanted to look at him damn it! But this position... "You can't just say things like that! N-Not if you don't mean it Julian... I'd take it.... I'd take it wrong... I don't think I could handle if you are teasing me right now..."

Her disbelief might hurt him but she...she couldn't hold out that hope... However she had to clear it up with him first. Her own feelings.

"You're stupid if you can't see it by now. I've only had you, Hibiki and Luca for a while now... Barely slept with anyone else." Selena couldn't help the softness of her voice, or the admittance at that or even her slightly pouting and grumpy tone. She wasn't sure she'd want to with others for a while even now... "...I don't like this feeling. I don't like...it... I just want to stay with you and Luca... I think for now... If you are promising to stay with me..."

She was too damn vulnerable right now...

He looked down as best he could although they still couldn't quite see one another. He would have moved so she could talk to him but... he wanted to keep holding her... He felt like that was helping at least a little. Plus it was cute. She really... thought he was messing with her? He smiled, sadly. He couldn't blame her... He wasn't even aware of HOW much he cared about her till she'd shocked him... He knew he did just... He frowned. But.. he couldn't just... get so attached... but.. he kind of was.. "Mmmm.." He made a small strained noise.

He did feel stupid... He really hadn't known... he thought... he thought that the three of them were sort of just regulars... but if she was only with the three of them... that... made all of them special, right...? His arms tightened around her. But... Okay, if that sap Luca fessed up... But she was waaaaayy too vulnerable right now...

"Selena... I never really planned on... letting ANYONE get in the position you're in... uh, emotionally that is." He said with a tiny snort of amusement. "But it's... There's... I..." Ugh, think fast Julian. "I'm not an open book... There's... things.. under my surface too... but... if I've ever said anything honest in my life, I want it to be that you never have to worry about me leaving you, okay? I..."

Agggh, this was torture... "You said you know I'm not serious about you, but... If..." He shook his head. "That's... I..." Hrrrrm... "I am, okay?" His face quickly grew red as he looked away. God, this was getting too sappy. He needed to shut up.

Selena just... felt drained. Julian's strained sound told her more than it was meant to. He wanted... something else. Being attached like this must be just as hard for him as it was for her... She really didn't believe he was lying, Julian would do many things but lying about something so stupid like this wouldn't be one of them.

As his arms tightened, she just relaxed instead of fighting his hold, leaning back against him and just accepting she couldn't see his face for this... Honestly it was probably much better and Selena sighed, a soft little one coming from her lips as she allowed herself to listen to his words.

Normally she might get all amused that, Julian was utterly baffled and at a loss for words. But it wasn't any better than she was right now so it was... maybe later...

"You have secrets, I have secrets... Its not like this relationship was built on utter honesty. Well any of them... Since you said you won't leave, I don't care right now. It'll come later..." Her voice was weak, almost broken now as she closed her eyes. It wasn't a bad broken, but she was just tired and worn out from admitting all of this. He'd stay, that was the absolutely most important thing.

Selena was relieved. He had said out of anything in his life... this was true. She could trust that right? Some of her relief must show, but she wasn't sure if she could scrounge up the strength to show it intentionally... "I never planned on letting anyone in either... It was just supposed to be sex... how did it end up like this?"

Yeah.... But.. wasn't their relationship originally built on honesty? Was it honesty or simplicity? He wasn't even sure if he could remember... They were open with each other from the get go, but that was just... because it was easier... but this wasn't what it was when it started still, was it...? He hugged her... not tighter persay, but closer.. "Ah.. " He found himself... having trouble speaking.. Well that was a new sensation...

"I don't know." He finally said. He lowered his head, resting his face in her hair. He didn't understand any of this.. He... He wasn't supposed to BE like this... He hadn't been MADE soft like this.. He'd been MADE cold... and...capable.. Made or born, whichever term you like, he'd been created with a purpose. A FUNCTION. One which did not include getting screwed up over a GIRL. But she wasn't just a girl and that was the problem...

"But.. I don't think.. That I mind that it did.." His eyes widened and he quickly added. "I.. I mean...not with the others.. but with.. you and me... I don't think I mind so much that things got... complicated." He felt... weak, just saying it... not the same weakness. Just... exhausted from saying that.

That made two of them that didn't know...

Selena's arms came up to hold his to her as he continued to speak, Julian admitting things that were quite honestly flattering and endearing. If only she could muster up the ability to feel such things as she normally would have. "I'll...complain... but I don't hate it. I like it... I feel warm again... Even if we were just friends I think I'd feel warm again..."

"...That's all the heartfelt admissions you're going to get..." Selena...felt like teasing but it was weak. She didn't have her heart in it fully and the chuckle that followed was too soft to be true. "Do...do you have any other questions? I can...fill you in on any details you want..."

He smiled a little, glad she was taking at least some comfort from all this. He gently rubbed her arm, taking a slow breath and leaning his head forward a little bit. It dawned on him that this was dangerously similar to snuggling... but that was fine for right now. He'd never seen her like that... any improvement was a good one.

"That's all the heartfelt admissions I need." He said with a soft little laugh. He knew she wasn't still up to speed. That was okay. "Mm... no..If it's something that would help you to share, by all means. But..." He'd been about to admit out loud that it bothered him that she was with others. He gave a little exasperated huff through his nose and held her a little tighter. "I'm good."

Selena wished she could do more to show how thankful she was to Julian for this, but instead gave him a small pleased sound as his hand rubbed her arm. They were...snuggling it seemed. With no sex or tiredness from sex involved... Well there were all sorts of firsts today...

Breathing a sigh of relief, she was about to attempt another playful quip only to pause for a moment and wait for Julian to say what he'd thought...

"But? That sound wasn't a good one." Julian's hold increased, but Selena moved lightly to try and turn to see him. Her limp body had gotten a bit more life in it now, arms coming up to settle her hands against his cheeks. It was impossible to see his face, but her eyes were trying as she attempted her turning.

Julian sighed, glancing down. He smiled a little glancing away for a second. She was too cute sometimes. He adjusted himself so she'd at least be able to see his face, craning to do so as she was. He.. could meet her half way, yeah? "N-no.. It's nothing like.. bad.. Just.. I don't know.." He growled a little, wishing he had a way to escape this conversation. Well, he totally had one. He could just not answer her... but.. He glanced back down and locked eyes with her for a moment.

"Well, obviously I don't LIKE thinking about you with other guys." He said curtly, with another frustrated noise. He wished he at least had a pair of sunglasses or something. He felt naked right now. And worse, vulnerable..