After the Funeral

There hadn't been any word or explanation given on the cause of Mamoru's death, though it was obvious most people already knew the truth, nothing needed to be said.

They filed out of the area, quietly murmuring among themselves after the funeral was over, returning to their own lives, and duties...

That was fine, too many people around...whispering like that...

It was uncomfortable.

Papers had already been settled, plans already made for Masaru, though still young, to take on the duties of his now late father. He would become the head of his clan, and also the Captain of the Sixth Division.

It would be a lot of work, perhaps stressful on his healing body, but it needed to be done, and it was a good distraction.

A distraction is what he needed; whenever he was hurt, upset, feeling anything to count as a negative emotion...he tended to hole himself up, bottle up his emotions and move on.

That was normal, he'd never had anyone he could approach about such things...out of the fear of sullying his clan's name. He lived on with the secrets, lived on with all the pain they brought with them...but that was normal.

That part of his life was...over now...

He would face no more beatings, he wouldn't be kept from his meals, and he'd have a room that actually...could count as being called a bedroom.

What he'd had to do to gain that though...

This wasn't the way he wanted to gain them... This wasn't how it was supposed to be.

He'd wanted to help Mamoru, not...

His father's final words hadn't been anything that most would note, no apologies spoken, no thank yous...

But Masaru still remembered them as if they'd been spoken only moment's before. He remembered them as he stared down at his father, who had been dying in his grasp...

"Masa...You shouldn't cry...You're a...big boy now."

Mamoru had been lost long ago... The real Mamoru had died...long before Masaru had realized...

The young noble now sat in one of the various rooms of the mansion, on a seating cushion at a low table in the traditional setting, a deep green, sleeved haori hung over his shoulders to keep himself warm as he went about focusing on various paperwork that would settling things.

His room, and home office had already been set up for him, but...right now he most certainly didn't want to go in them...

Work, he needed to focus on...on that...

He'd be okay if he did that... He wouldn't need to think about...

He had been present at the funeral. Oh he certainly was aware of the fact that he was the last person allowed to do so, but somehow it was needed for him. Quite pathetic, was it not? He needed it, yet it had nothing to do with him whatsoever. His tongue had clicked throughout the whole process, his eyes barely seeing of what was going on while his mind wandered. It was the last chapter of a story Masaru had probably wanted as little as he had wanted it.

He had no clue why he had been at the funeral. True, it had been in the last row, hidden away - like a shamed dog that was not allowed to be present. However why should he have been? He had no connection with Masaru besides plain hatred. The man, the man who reflected everything that he himself was. Everything he hated about himself was within Masaru's eyes. He could not stare at the noble without hating him, as little as he could stare at his own reflection without hating himself.

So why had he been there? And why, more importantly, was he still lingering? Even worse, on his way to the male's private chambers. Why? Why? Why? Why?

He had no answer. It made no sense. He wanted to cry and to beat, to tear off his face and to spit at the noble. Yet he stood in front of the door he had been lead to, with the usual frown on his face and his hands trembling slightly, but otherwise his crisp and clean self. A white kimono was wrapped around his slim frame while his far too long, dark hair was loosely tied into a bun in the back of his neck.

Maybe because he had to face his demons.
Just as Masaru had managed to face his own.

A shaky palm lifted, curled into a loose fist and then knocked against the other's door.

Masaru was startled from his work, though at most he reflexively jumped at the knock at the door. He hadn't expected anyone, but...then again he supposed there would be some people he'd need to see.

He moved to stand, straightening out the yukata he wore, the front open some for the bandages to breath properly as he situated the haori on his shoulders before heading to the door and sliding it open.

The one he saw on the other side though...was not someone he expected to see.

Not that Xarath's appearance here was unwelcome or bad...it had just been unexpected.

"Evening." Masaru greeted the other male, stepping back a few steps in case he wanted to come inside...holding a conversation in front of a door was hardly polite. He tried to give him a smile, though small. "Please, have a seat, I have tea if you'd like some?"

Even with recent events, and even with his currently ignored emotions, hospitality came first.

He easily saw the surprise within the other's eyes. He would have been surprised himself if the noble in front of him had not been shocked. What however bothered him was the politeness that greeted him. There was no door slamming shut into his face. To push. No harsh words. Nothing.

A small smile and an invitation to tea.

Slowly Xarath lowered his hand again and exhaled shakily. Then however, and with a cold glare, he sidestepped the other man and moved into the room.

"You have no clue how much I want to punch you."
However, he doubted it would make him feel any better.

Masaru's smile weakened at Xarath's words as he entered the room, but he kept it up; they weren't a pair that got a long, and if Masaru were to assume...there was perhaps some hatred that came from the other man, but...

That was fine really...No one could be perfectly liked, after all.

"I see..." He replied, sliding the door closed before moving to fetch another cushion so the man could sit, and placed it at the table.

Masaru moved the paperwork, situating it into a neat pile to deal with later at the edge of the square table. His expression had become rather composed, neutral as he did so, it was just paperwork..and if he continued to smile as he did well...that might come off as rather odd.

He poured a cup for Xarath, sitting the tea where the man would sit before pouring his own cup after he'd sat down.

He crossed his arms in front of his mostly bare chest as he waited for the other to bring the pillow over. "You do not see. If you did it would be the last thing for a very long time." For he might just beat the other unconscious then. However was he really here to share this? To go back to their old dance?

With a sigh he lowered himself down onto the pillow, all neat and precise, while watching the other work to clean the table. "How are you feeling." He was quick to lift his hand, holding his palm up in a silencing gesture. "and fucking don't give me the usual 'I am fine'. You know you cannot sink further within my eyes. You might as well be honest for once."

He didn't see then...well, he hadn't really known how to respond to such a statement. Xarath was being honest though, and he preferred honesty over...something like pity any day. He had no expectations towards the man changing how he felt about him over something like this, and that was alright.

I'm fine... That response would be a lie to anyone if he came out of his mouth right now, no matter how it was looked at. He supposed it was good to throw that response out the window though...

"I'm...holding up." Masaru replied, his eyes moving down to the tea in his cup; "I'm not alright, but..."

He was using work as a distraction? Doing anything to keep his mind off how much he was hurting right now? Those were honest answers, he knew very well he was running away from his pain...

If he thought too much on it, on the actions he took...he didn't believe any good would come from it...

"But." he repeated as he evenly stared at the other man. Masaru was the only one he managed to look into the eyes. At least for now. Maybe that was the reason why he was truly here. Because now things had changed. Maybe Masaru would not make the same mistake he had made - to cling to the past, to what had happened, and lead it rule his life.

"Continue. I told you I would punch your face. I can tell you more. I want to stab out your eyes, rip off your face and leave you in a bloody mess. And then I would do the same thing to myself." Yes, he was being honest. More honest than he had ever been before to anybody else. However he had seen the truth in the noble's eyes, had hated him for so many years to what he saw, he could offer the same in return, the things Masaru was unable to read in Xarath's eyes.

"You have nothing to lose. Tell me. Tell me how you feel and what you want to do. Not what you are supposed to do. What you want."

"I'm well aware right now I'm avoiding the pain, it's something I'll need to face...but at a later time." When he felt he could handle it better without letting it eat at him; he could...wait...for now, yes...he was running away, and avoiding his pain...

Eventually he would face it, perhaps in the next few hours, perhaps the next day...but he couldn't and wouldn't keep himself distracted forever.

Masaru listened quietly to what Xarath said, listening to what he wanted to do to him and then...himself... Then he asked that...

"I'm hurting more than I'd like to admit...I'd taken his life; it was out of self defense, and an impulse to protect...Setsuna, but... All this time I'd wanted to help him, not...

After letting...everything sink in though, I realize that my father was beyond help... He was already gone."

Masaru let out a breath before finally bringing up his cup to take a sip from it, setting it down in its original place on the table after. "What I want to do... I would like...to...better things, better myself for one... I want to become someone that...people can feel comfortable around, I want to make the friends I was never able to before...I would like to become a captain that others follow because they want to...not because it's their duty to..."

Before...he always had to keep his distance, he wasn't permitted to have those things he wanted, he had to keep secrets, he had to put that secret above all else.

Now though...

Even if this wasn't how he'd wanted to gain these things...

Right now, it would be difficult for him to make these steps...but he wanted to make them, he just had to work past this...

He listened just as intently as the other man had. He gave him enough time to finish completely, to truly say everything that was on his mind and for the first time found himself paying attention to the words the other had to offer instead of those eyes.

They were not all that much alike in the end, were they?

"Do you listen to yourself. At least right now?" His head tilted slightly again as he brought the pipe up to take a drag of it. Then it was lowered again as his lips parted, the white smoke trailing upwards as he continued to speak.

"You say you have taken his life. Yet you know, are aware, that it was out of instinct. To protect yourself and to protect others. You say you wanted to help him, yet you need to find excuses for what you did."

His head tilted slightly. "You protected. And you have helped him. If you ever found this path, followed it and hurt so much, so incredible much." To cause that look within your child's eyes. "Would you not have hoped somebody would help you by stopping you. Stopping you any way possible."

He shook his head then and finally lowered his eyes onto the table. "You cannot run in a circle if you want to move ahead. You have to decide what you want to do. To always question every one of your steps, to make excuses for everything you do, or to shake it off and find those friends you seek. To be somebody to look up to. You do not have to give up who you are. Neither close your heart to others. But this is your new chapter. Something fresh and clean. Live. Live and stop mulling over things.

Do not make the mistake I had done.

"..." Masaru was quiet at Xarath's first question, listening to what the other had to say as they continued to speak.

He...had helped him?

Xarath's words...made sense; looking at it from another perspective...he would have wanted to have been stopped he if was causing such pain...

...Deep down, he still couldn't be sure if he'd be alright with what he'd done, but...

He was going to continue on, there were...so many things he had to do, so many things he wanted to do.

"I'm grateful...for your words; I...It will take time, but...I'm not going to be held back by this...I do plan to make those steps towards what I want..."

He did not speak up again immediately either. Instead he let the silence reign over them after Masaru had spoken. Truly, maybe the other was not like him at all. And as he looked into those eyes now he saw somebody else but himself.

The man was not as disgusting as he was.

"I do not think you will overcome it right away." he murmured quietly as he guided his pipe back up towards his lips. "But you should not cling to it. Let it slip away and move on. It would ruin you otherwise." He took a deep drag of his pipe then before he continued with their conversation. "And you can neither lead, nor rule, nor form bonds when you are ruined. Your father might have been the best example for that."

A small nod was given in response; he wouldn't overcome this immediately, it would take time...it'd all happened so suddenly, and it was still recent...but...in time...

Xarath was right, there would be no accomplishing the things he wanted to do if he let this eat at him completely. This wasn't something he would...allow to run is life...

He had to move on from it, and take the necessary steps to reach the things he wanted...they would not just come to him.

He noticed further change within those eyes but did not comment on it anymore. Things had settled and things were different now. Because, in the end, Masaru saw himself that he could not go on like this. That at one point he had to draw the line.

Right now.

With a sigh the man brought his pipe back up towards his lips and then finally pulled his eyes away to take a look around. Maybe he was overcoming his stay. He had nothing further left to say after all. With yet another sigh he exhaled the smoke again before slowly pushing himself back up into a standing position.

Masaru's attention returned to Xarath as he stood, he supposed the other man planned to leave... he supposed the man had said what he'd wanted, he wouldn't stop him from leaving if that's what he wanted to do.

"Thank you...you're words were helpful." He offered that small smile once more, "You can stay longer if you'd like, but I won't stop you if you have other business to attend...aha, that's right...would it be alright if I called you by your first name, or is that too familiar?"

He didn't want to offend Xarath by referring to him too familiarly if the other did now want that, but this was something he wanted to know...just so there would be no questions about it in the future.

He found himself surprised as the other spoke up again. True, a simple 'goodbye' would have been something he had expected, but this? Surprise was evident on his facial features and his pipe threatened to drop from between his slim fingers.

His tongue immediately clicked.

Then his eyes took a look around before he found himself staring at Masaru once more. "I would not mind." This was beyond strange. Why was the man offering this after all he had done? "I have no business to attend to." And even if he had to - he probably would be far too lazy to really do it. "I just-" He shrugged and carefully lowered himself back down onto his pillow. "Dunno what to say now." Because really, when he was not being a bullhead he had no clue what to talk about.

While his smile was still small, it grew slightly at Xarath's answer; he would refer to him on a first name basis then. He was glad to know he could.

"I'm glad to know." Masaru replied as Xarath moved to seat himself again after having looked rather surprise at the offer he'd been given. He didn't know what to say? Well...

Something to start a conversation...

"I'm...likely to have a sister soon, adopted." He started, "I encountered her in the Rukon...she was in trouble...we've known each other awhile, and she's come to think of me as a brother...she doesn't have anywhere else to go so...I asked her if she'd like to come and live here. Nozomi is her name."

He found this whole situation quite surreal. For years he had wanted to stab the male into the face and now they were having a chit chat over tea and cookies. Well no cookies but still- It was hard to grasp right now.

The kind of information the other suddenly shared with him was even more surprising however. Masaru had been aware of Xarath's hatred, both of them knew this and yet he was so quick in ignoring it all. Why? It almost seemed like the other had wanted to have such conversations with him, to have him at his side but, but why the fuck would anybody want him and their side?

His tongue clicked.
Then again.

"I see." he murmured. He really had no clue what to say - people did not have this kind of conversation with him. "I did not know you visit Rukongai. You seem more like the um, sitting at home type of guy."

"I actually used to sneak out quite often...The Rukon can be dangerous, but...I spent a lot of time out there when I could." Masaru explained; "I used that time to relax."

He...hated being shut in, if he were to be honest; if there were windows...he was fine, but without them...

He hated that feeling, so he'd gotten out whenever he could, even if it meant breaking his father's rules.

He chuckled as he drew his pipe back up towards his lips. "You headed to Rukon to relax?" With a shake of his head and a smirk on his lips he lowered his elbow down onto the table. Then his whole form shifted towards his left and while he continued to sit on his left ankle he pulled his right leg up. His white kimono parted against his chest and legs, but he did not seem to mind this in the slightest. It used to be business after all.

"Everybody in Rukon would have given their right leg to relax in the Seireitei. Is quite ironic that you chose to relax in that hellhole, eh?" His eyebrow arched and he finally took a drag before, and with a clicking of his tongue, the smoke exhaled again. "Or did you not go further than the first district?"

"I occasionally encountered some trouble here and there...considering I didn't have any clothes I could wear that...wouldn't attract attention...but I mostly ventured towards the outskirts of districts. I spent time in restaurants or near the rivers in the outskirts mostly..."

He'd encountered thugs wanting money, but...he never really carried more than a small amount on him, enough for food...but he'd been able to get out of skirmishes like that safely.

"I...didn't like being shut up here, so going out in the Rukon...it was dangerous, but it was an open area. I could see the sky, and feel the wind...the fresh air..."

Being able to have those momentary moments of freedom...he felt it had been worth the trouble of coming home later. If he'd stayed shut up here...he felt he might have well gone insane.

Of course he found himself listening once more and quickly came to realize what the noble had been talking about. Rukogai was no stress free zone, especially when you lived in poverty and had to- He shook the thought off but could not stop a clicking of his tongue. Yes, if you moved along the outskirts and only visited in actually trying to live there you could enjoy all the freedom you wanted.

"I was on the other side of the mirror." he finally murmured. "I was chained down in my world and wanted to give anything to be in yours." Quite ironic. They had carried the same look in their eyes but lived completely different lives.

And as it turned out, Rukongai was as much of a bad place as Seireitei. Neither world was gentle.

That...
Was that the reason for...

It seemed neither world was...truly safe though; the Rukon faced poverty, and many more horrible things, while in the Seiretei...it was...perhaps a bit more secure, but there were always bad people, and experiences that could make one wish they had never come here, or had been born here... you had to give your loyalty and life for it, or at least some made it look like they'd given such things.

Neither side was completely safe.

Masaru wasn't sure how to answer vocally, but he was able to see Xarath's perspective to an extent...

He continued to stare at Masaru as he took another drag of his pipe. The man across of him remained silent however. Did not say anything whatsoever and for a moment he wondered if he had crossed some kind of invisible line.

Did the Seireitei really think they were the only ones suffering? Was their judgement so clouded already?

Xarath said neither. He did not even follow that trail of his thought. Instead he slowly exhaled the smoke again and shifted his eyes. Once more awkward silence reigned over the two of them.

"In truth...neither side is safe..." Masaru stated, finally speaking up; "I know I went out to the Rukon to relax, but...it was dangerous, I realize...and I realize I haven't even seen a fraction of how bad it can be..."

Whenever he'd ventured there, what he saw...While his primary attention was on that feeling of freedom, he wasn't completely blinded by it...

"Honestly, if I had the power to do so...I'd change it; living humans pass on expecting some...stress free afterlife, whether they remember or not... it's...cruel in my opinion...that a life like that's what they end up with. Some are happy...some know how to make it work, but...

I know...it probably seems...big headed of me to say such things, considering I'm only an outside viewer..." Even with what he'd experienced here... People faced many more problems within the Rukon other than just...some of the things he'd experienced, he was well aware of that.