Obie in Blunderland

“Ooooooh deaaaaaaaar…” A lone, terrified man stood on the corner of the street, arms tight at his side as his eyes frantically scanned the area around him. “Whywhywhywhy was I sent here oh god oh geez oh dear…” Obie had tried to weasel his way out of visiting the human world as much as he could, but when it was discovered that he’d never been there before, he was sent as a sort of ‘acclimation practice’

“You can’t keep hiding from the entire world forever” They had said. “It’s important for every Shinigami to get some experience in the Human World so that they can learn and grow more effective.”

I would have rather hidden as long as I could, thank you very much! Oooooh, but I can’t argue with the higher ups at all… They’d probably kill me twice and then put me in the human world. Trying to steady himself with a sigh, Obie looked down at the gigai assigned to him. “I mean, I guess it looks normal. Maybe? Hopefully I’ll at least not be called a bunny as much here…” His eyes shot open in terror as he began rapidly looking all around him. OH GOOOOOOOOD CAPTAIN AOI SAID SHE VISITED THE HUMAN WORLD WHAT IF SHE’S WATCHING ME RIGHT. NOW.

Now there was only one option left for Obie. He began sprinting down the city streets, wide red eyes scanning every possible place he could be watched from. Gotta find someplace dark, gotta find someplace safe! A-And then I’ll stay there for a maybe an hour and go back to Soul Society and tell them I’m TOTALLY adjusted now and I won’t have to come back everagainohgod

Esmerelda leapt from rooftop to rooftop, glancing down at the streets around her. Ho hum.... so bored... She'd done all the paperwork she could stomach and then decided to go out and have some fun, or at least do some general reconnaissance. Unlike most spymasters, she tended to do her own spying when she could. Gave her less of an appearance as a spymaster. And it gave her the chance for the occasional shenanigans. Not that there were any to be found today...

It was the middle of the day so her usual stealthy attire and the 80% of her wardrobe that came in black were all useless for stealth, so she had simply dressed for the heat, with an additional parasol for good measure. She was not an albino, but the sun seemed to hate her skin all the same. She came to a particularly wide rooftop and leapt sideways a little, her shadow forming a rather sizeable wolf that seemed to leap up under her and carry her across before she immediately shifted back into a dainty step. Her footsteps came to a halt and she sniffed the air. Something didn't feel right. She scurried over to the edge of the roof and peered off the edge. Hm? An albino?

Her hat suddenly took leave of her head. She grabbed at it before ducking backwards, preferring to let the hat fall towards the young man rather than go tumbling down there herself.

Running running running! Obie shouted internally to himself as he rocketed down the streets of Japan. Oh god I don't even know this place where am I running oh goooooood And it was true! Silly Obie didn't take a map or anything. So his escape plan mostly consisted of running to one street corner, getting lost, turning and running down another street corner, and so on.

While still totally and completely new to the Human world, Obie was still immensely suspicious of anything that fell from the sky. Even hats. Now that he thought about it, especially hats. He trusted them to sit on his head and keep him shaded, but how much could he really trust them? Obie froze on the spot as the rogue hat fluttered lazily onto the ground in front of him. His head rapidly looked in all directions as he began shrinking into himself, trying to make a smaller target.

"H-H-Hello? Whoever you are y-you, um... You dropped your hat. Please don't kill me with a hat, I h-happen to like them most of the time and I'd hate it if they're what, um... Got me." Oh god what if the humans found a way to weaponize hats? That would be the most sinister thing EVER. WHAT EVIL ARE THESE HUMANS CAPABLE OF OH MY GOD WHAT AMIDOINGHERE!?

As Esmerelda would watch him, Obie slowly began curling into a ball, covering his head and neck with his hands as he slowly whimpered "Noooooooo..."

Esmerelda tipped her parasol to keep herself blocked from the sun as she leaned over the ledge again. Hm. He seemed rather distraught over a hat... That was curious. She'd gotten similar reactions from dropping down herself... but even then usually at night. Certainly never over a HAT... How would she even kill him with a hat?

....

Hmm... she could figure out a way, but it'd be a LITTLE tricky... She tipped herself over the edge and walked down it quietly, balancing herself on tendrils of shadow before she, equally silently walked over to the curled up little ball of whine. She reached down, picking him up by his collard with one hand and her hat with the other. She shook the hat off and put it back atop her head, settling it daintily before clearing her throat. "You. Tiny rabbit man. You realize curling into a ball is only effective when you have a shell, yes?"

Several moments passed as Obie expected the evil human hat to attack, but nothing came from it. But that also could have meant that it was biding its time so he kept hiding anyway. Why is the human world so TERRIFYING?! Obie thought behind his shield of his own limbs. He waited in terror for a few more seconds before he suddenly felt himself being lifted up by the collar to his feet. OH GOD HERE IT COMES THE HAT’S GONNA KILL M-Wait did it just talk? And call me a bunny?!

“H-Hey! I’m not a rabbit!” He cried out indignantly to Esmeralda. But his eyes immediately grew wide in terror as he realized that a total stranger was now standing in front of him. “Who… Who are you? Where did you come from?” Obie certainly didn’t hear anybody walk up to him, and his ears were finely tuned to listen to upcoming scary people. The person now in front of him didn’t make a noise at all, which was SUPER SCARY. And what was that about shells? Hmm… Now there’s a thought. But where could I find myself a shel-No wait scary person first. He could think of how to find himself a shell of his own whenever he was safe and not in the Human World.

“You’re not… a hat assassin, are you?” She certainly got there quietly enough to be an assassin… Did the Human World even have assassins? Wait. What if… SHE was the hat, and now she’s here to finish the job!? Obie could only stare in terror at Esmeralda as he stood frozen in place.

She frowned, giving him a dubious little eyebrow raise, a hand still on his collar. He wasn't a rabbit? He sure seemed like one. Skittish, fragile, small. She opened her mouth to respond to his question. She would happily tell him EXACTLY who she was. But before she got the chance, he asked a much better question. She stopped, staring at him incredulously. A.. Hat... assassin?

Suddenly, a grin that some might refer to as a slasher smile spread over her face. This person.. Could be FUN.

"Why yes, actually.. I AM a hat assassin." She said with a playful tone and that evil smile. She reached up with her free hand and adjusted her hat. "And I'm afraid you're my target for the evening." She lifted up on his collar, pulling him off his feet with her arrancar strength. "But I'm not without mercy, small man. I could be tempted to let you live... But you'll have to do something for ME..."

"Ooooooh noooooooo..." Obie whimpered. I knew it! I knew it I knew it I knew it! Nothing good would come out of going to the Human World! Captain Aoi is a crazy stab captain, of course she would like this place! OH GOD I'M SORRY PLEASE DON'T BE READING MY MIND SPOOKY HEAD VOICE CAPTAIN He flailed uselessly in Esmeralda's grip as the spooky hat lady confirmed his worst fears about the human world: Actual Hat Assassins. And the shinigami were supposed to protect these people? Why?! HAT ASSASSINS!

Are all Hat Assassin's this strong too? Obie had never really been lifted up by his collar before, so it was a brand new, terrifying experience for him altogether. Wait, what was this about mercy? No wait, why was she picking on him to begin with! I've only been in this world for like, twenty minutes! Was she already waiting for me before I even got out? Oh nooooo... "W-What is it that you want, spooky hat assassin lady ma'am? I'd um, rather not die today if you don't mind, being a fellow mortal human and all." Yeah, that's the ticket! She might have me captured for now, but she'll never figure out I'm a Shinigami! Maybe, just maybe, I can get out of this gigai and run back to Soul Society before anything bad happens. Well, more bad.

Ooooooooh yeeeeeeeees, she thought to herself, echoing his little whimper, deciding to save the cackling for internal monologue. He looked like he might have a very real heart attack if she started pulling out the evil laughs. Well, he was about to be scared anyway. Especially if he kept up the silly lies.

"I'm no more a human than you are. You think I can't smell the stink of your kind in the air?" She actually wasn't sure which kind that was, but he hardly needed to know that. Of course, Fullbringers and quincies were technically humans, but she was being threatening, not precise. "Now listen here. If you go down the road, you will find an office building, you can't miss it. Inside, on the top floor, you'll find a man. You'll KNOW the one when you find him."

She reached into the storage space her shadows provided for small objects and pulled out what she needed. "And you're going to use THIS on him." She said, revealing the pistol she'd pulled out.

Obie looked at Esmeralda with even more horror. She knew he wasn’t actually a human, how could this be?! And he was being so convincing, calling other people “mortals” and such… “Y-You’re not a human? B-B-But I, um… I-I’m sorry for lying…” Wait, she can smell me? Ohhhhhh I knew I shouldn’t have worked in the fields before making this trip. Now I’m gonna be in big trouble because this Hat Assassin figured me out… Obie began twirling his thumbs frantically as Esmeralda laid out her plans for the terrified shinigami. What kind of plan could an Assassin have for someone like me? I don’t even like fighting, what could I possib- And that was when she pulled out some kind of metal thing from a shadow. OH GOD SHE CAN USE SHADOWS. CAN SHE USE MY SHADOW TOO HAVE I BEEN BETRAYED BY MYSELF?!?

Obie began frantically trying to keep an eye on his own shadow halfway through Esme’s job description, trying not to step on his own shadow. Which was of course useless because of how shadows work. “W-What? Building, man, metal thing? Uh, right! Uh-huh sure!” Obie nodded furiously. “I’ll go do the thing ohgodohgeez please don’t hurt me miss shadow hat assassin!” And with that, Obie took off down the street, waving the pistol wildly as he flailed frantically to his destination. Oh god I don’t even know what she meant by that but if that means she doesn’t kill me then oh geez I’ll just do it and then run back to Soul Society super fast!

Her grin widened. Yes.. Yeeeess... Cower little person. "I suppose I can forgive this transgression this once. Now, if you behave properly and do as I-" And suddenly Obie took off down the street, leaving Esmerelda standing there mid sentence. Wh.. Wh... She wasn't even done! She crossed her arms and "HMPH"d loudly before snapping her fingers, conjuring up a little bat. It flew off after Obie, catching up and settling on top of his hat.

Esmerelda's voice suddenly came out of it. "You ran away before I could send my little messenger with you. Just be warned, if you displease me, he has a nasty bite. Hehehehee." The little bat flapped its wings, making the sound of knives grinding against each other. Meanwhile, Esmerelda herself had taken to the rooftops and was sprinting along them to keep an eye on him. She didn't want him getting himself into TOO much trouble. That could get HER in trouble.

Running running runningrunningrunning run faster! Obie didn't know what this metal thing in his hand was or why the spooky hat assassin wanted it delivered to whoever it was in this building. All he knew right now was that the Human World was way too spooky, and that humans are the spookiest. As he ran, Obie felt a new weight on his head. That doesn't happen often. And then the weird new weight talked.

"AAAAAAAAA WHAT ARE YOU WHY ARE YOU ON MY HEAD WHY DO YOU BITE?!" Obie's flailing increased at an frantic rate as he waved his arms even wilder as he ran down the street. "I'M SORRY I DIDN'T LET YOU FINISH I JUST THOUGHT YOU WANTED IT DONE REALLY FAST please don't let the thing on my head bite meeee..." Why why why am I doing this? Oh why did the hat assassin pick meeeee?

Obie ran for several more minutes before finding himself in front of what he thought to be the building Esmeralda wanted him to go into. Maybe? Obie couldn't be sure, all of these human building look the same. "S-S-Spooky hat assassin lady, i-is this the place for the thing? I uh... D-Don't want to make you angry and have my hat bite me oh god pleased don't"

Esmerelda continued sprinting atop the rooftops, hopping from one to one. As they approached a large building up ahead, she stopped, tipping forward with her hands on her knees to catch her breath. "Little... bastard can run..." She muttered to herself, surprised at how quickly fear seemed to carry him. She waited a moment till she caught her breath and then spoke to him through the bat.

"Yes. This is the place. You're to go to the top floor, find the man I spoke of and then..." She tried to tent her fingers evilly as best as she could while out of breath. Not that he could see her where she was. The finger tenting was for her own benefit. "You're to use that gun I gave you and KILL HIM.." Hehehehe.. Yess.....

“K-Kill him!? But I… I don’t wanna… O-Okay…” Obie whimpered, hanging his head in defeat. There was no way that he could argue with a hat assassin. She would… do hat assassin things! Which are probably terrifying! “I’ll just… go inside, I guess. T-Top floor, right?” Oooohhh why are these human buildings so tall? Aren’t they afraid of falling really far down or anything? I don’t get them at all…

Stuffing the gun away into his pants pocket, Obie walked into the building and made his way over to the stairs (oh which there were a lot) and started to climb them, fully fearful of Esmeralda possibly watching his every move. Oh god why am I doing this I don’t even know this human do they kill each other all time WHAT IS WRONG WITH HUMANS or maybe it’s a hat assassin thing WHY ARE THERE HAT ASSASSINS ohhhhhh Obie’s trip was miserable and tiring as he eventually made his way up to the top floor of the building, catching his breath in front of the door before entering.

“U-Umm, Miss Hat Assassin Ma’am, how exactly do I know what this human looks like? I don’t… really know any human people. At all. So I don’t know how I um, c-can do the thing that you want me to do? Pleasedon’tbemadpleasedon’tbemad.” He outstretched his hand towards the door handle, but waited until further instruction from his terrifying malefactor. After all, he wouldn’t want to risk doing the thing to the wrong person and making her even more spooky and scary, right?

Esmerelda watched him go in and chuckled to herself, waiting for chaos. But Chaos seemed to take a while... She wondered what was taking him so long. Was he taking the stairs? She tapped into the bat... he WAS taking the stairs. She sighed and laid down on the rooftop across from the building, lazing there (after driving her parasol into the concrete under her, of course) on her stomach, legs kicking lackadaisically in the air.

"Hm? Uhh, how should... Well... He's... bald... has a black suit... a red tie... No mustache or beard... and... He's really snobby to people. There should only be one guy in there who matches that description" at least one, she hoped, "so as soon as you see him, do the deed and then get ready to run like hell."

"R-Right... do the deed..." Obie pulled out the gun and stared down at it. What even IS this? I don't know human things! Do I just... give it to him? Maybe? Oh dear I hope Hat Assassin Lady doesn't get mad because I don't know her meanings on human world things...

Stuffing the gun back into his pocket and taking a deep breath, Obie opened the door and stepped into a room FILLED with humans. So many humans! And most of them giving poor Obie strange looks as he slowly made his way through them, trying to keep an eye out for the person in question. He just had to keep an eye out for the bald, snobby, black suited person that Hat Assassin told him, how hard could that be?

Actually it was kinda hard. The tons of people around him mixed in with his fear of... just about everything in the Human World kept distracting Obie from focusing too carefully on anything really. So when he accidentally bumped into someone that almost exactly matched Esmeralda's description, he let out a small shriek that brought even more attention to him.

"Aaaahh-Oh h-hello..." Obie looked up at the man with fear in his eyes. "I-I-I have... something to... give to you?"

Esmerelda sighed, continuing to wait for the chaos to erupt. Poor little rabbity man. He was in for quite a shock. Had he found him yet? "Have you found him yet? When you do, just point the long bit at him and pull the triggery thing." She snickered once she'd closed communication off, moving to sit in a relaxed kneel under the shade, better able to spring to action if need be.

She sighed, wondering how bad the executive would be scared when the young boy pulled a gun on him.

Or how confused he would be when it turned out to only be a squirt gun.

Sheer panic was settling in as Obie stood before the large human. Were all humans this big? This scary? Probably! But why does he gotta die? AND WHY DO I HAVE TO DO IT? Obie whimpered softly as he shook in place, slowly reaching into his pockets. "I-I was told t-t-to, do the d-deed with this and I don't... I have no idea..."

Obie shakily pulled out the gun from his pocket and shoved it into the bald human's hands. "HERE IT IS I'M SORRY GOOD BYE!" Obie was only barely aware of Esmeralda's instructions about pulling some kind of trigger(?) before he threw the door open and ran back down the stairs, already panting with a mixture a fear and exhaustion

"Oh god I'm sorry I didn't know what I was doing I just gave him the thing WHAT ELSE DID YOU WANT ME TO DO AAAAAAA I HAVE TO RUN!" Please Hat Assassin Lady please don't be mad at me oh god please don't KILL ME He nearly tripped over his own feet as he raced down the steps of the building, eyes wide in terror.

THIS IS THE WORST DAY THIS IS THE WORST DAY

Esmerelda just... stared... stared out... as the bat relayed information to her... He'd... He'd just... HANDED him the gun... She stood up, quickly before kicking at the concrete, causing a small divot in it. "BULLSHIT. THAT... THAT WASN'T..." She sighed. She shouldn't have underestimated his innate scaredy-bunsness... Or at least taught him how to properly use a gun maybe? She noticed him running down the stairs and sighed, picking her parasol up and hopping off of the rooftop, landing invisibly on the ground and walking quickly over to the building entrance.

She would be waiting for him when he came out from the stairs, immediately ready to grab him... or knock him flat if he kept trying to go. She had planned fun from this, and if it didn't come from making him pretend-kill someone, she would just have to scare the hell out of him. The thought made her happier.

RUNNING RUNNING RUNNING! Obie's thoughts were only consisting of the single, overriding command he was giving himself as he nearly fell down the stairs of the building to get himself out of it. Is that how 'guns' work even? You deliver it? How does that even work?! Ahhhhh this Human World is nuts, nuts I say! And I don't even like nuts!

He eventually made his way to the ground floor, bounding out of the front door and looking desperately in both directions for any kind of bearings on the situation. Oh my gooooood I don't even know where I am or where to go or who anyone isssss... The only person I even know here is Hat Assassin, and she probably wants to Hat Assassinate me! Oh god, oh geez!

After haphazardly looking around, Obie decided 'the hell with it' and just took off down a street. Unfortunately for Obie, it just so happened to be the street that Esmeralda was waiting on him on. Oops

The second Obie ran within arm distance of Esmerelda, she snatched him, lifting him off his feet by the collar. She reached up and swatted the hat off of him, the bat flying back to her and merging into her shadow. "That was.. very disappointing." She said with something akin to a bored scowl.

"Are you really so clueless to everything around you little shinigami? " He wasn't an arrancar after all and no human would act like he did. "You don't know the first thing about human technology and you can't even identify an Arrancar when you see one." She reached down and pulled the bottom of her dress far up until her inner thigh was visible, the signature tattoo of an Espada lay there. The number 4.

One second, Obie was running for his life. The next? Hoisted up into the air by his collar (fully scared out of his mind at this point), his hat knocked off of his head, and then staring directly at the Hat Assassin herself! This was a bad day for Obie. Truly.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAI'MSORRYI'MREALLYSORRY!" Obie flailed pathetically in the stronger grasp of Esme as his red eyes went wide in horror. OhgodohgeezOHGOD She knows I'm a Shinigami oh god well she already said she knew I wasn't human but oh god now she's identified me and oh god she's an ARRANCAR AND SHE HAS A NUMBER 4 AAAAAAA "IT'S JUST THAT THIS IS MY FIRST TIME IN THE HUMAN WORLD AND I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING AND IT'S REALLY SCARY AND I'M SORRY FOR NOT KNOWING YOU WERE AN ARRANCAR AND AAAAPLEASEFORGIVEME!"

As he kept screaming for forgiveness, Obie began the careful process of trying to curl up into a ball while being held by Esmeralda as he looked on fearfully at the Espada. "I didn't even want to be here I was sent because I needed to get used to the human world but I didn't even want to visit because everything is scary and you're scary and ohgod I didn't mean to disappoint anyone I'm really sorry and please don't kill me!"

Esmerelda sighed, turning aside and flicking some hair out of her face, while the bunny man continued to scream and curl up into a ball. Geez, he was really... Esmerelda winced, holding her free hand to her ear.. Really.. "God DAMN, STOP ****ING SCREAMING!" She finally screamed at him, hoping to cut the steady stream of constant noise. She sighed, holding her fingers to her forehead, pinching the bridge of her nose. She suddenly missed the bat.

"I'm going to set you down. In exchange, you will not run away, okay?" She asked slowly. "Now... How about this... If you promise to stop screaming and just... breathe...." She took a deep breath, relaxing. "I will show you around the human world a bit." She smiled slightly, pretty much over her annoyance now. "Okay?"

“Eep!” Esme’s sudden outburst shut Obie up quickly, leaving the poor 3rd seat holding both of his hands over his mouth as he was held in the air by her. I made her mad I made her mad I MADE HER MAD I made her mad… His constant chant of terror replaced his previous screaming as Esme took a steadying breath. But what she said next caused him to tilt his head in serious confusion. Especially after she set him down on the ground and smiled at him.

“W-Wait… You want t-t-to… Show me around the human world? But you, I-I mean, Hat Assassin?” Obie was nearly at a loss for words as he looked up at the Arrancar. “W-What I meant to say is, d-don’t you want to kill me or something? I mean I uh, d-didn’t do what you said and then you got m-mad at me and I’m sorry and ohhhhh…” Obie held his head in his hands as he started to curl into a ball. “I mean, I don’t want you to kill me either and having someone help me around the Human World would be nice but everything is scary and I-I-I…”

There wasn’t any training for this! Nothing could have prepared me for nice(?) Hat Assassins in the human world! I didn’t even know things like this existed! Why oh whyyyyyyy did I have to come here!?

Esmer sighed, placing Obie down, albeit curled up. This was turning out to be more hassle than it was worth. And hardly any entertainment. "Why do you think I'm going to kill you, anyway?" She sighed. "And what on earth gave you the impression there was such a thing as hat assassins?" She really wasn't sure what to make of this... odd little man.

"Really, you're a shinigami. Nothing in the human world should be scary. Didn't you live here before dying anyway?" She supposed he could be one of those shinigami that was born in Soul Society... But those couldn't possibly be that common, could they? Esmerelda supposed she didn't really know.

"I... but, I mean... Isn't it best to assume everything in a new place that you've never been to before is trying to kill you? I-I mean... That's how I see it, anyway..." And it's served him well! Well, if he ever went to anywhere else other than Soul Society and the Rukongai. But nonetheless, it's at least what Obie believed to be the most natural way to approach things.

"A-And you told me that you were a h-hat assassin! Okay, so maybe I brought it up first... And maybe it was because your spooky hat dropped down in front of me and I thought it w-was a disguise or something and p-panicked and... Aww..." He flopped his arms to the side and made a sort of pathetic moan. "I've made a terrible first impression, haven't I? I'm sorry..."

At Esme's mention of dying though, Obie's head shot back up and his wide, red eyes locked onto her. "Ohnonono! Oh geez, at least I hope I haven't died yet! U-Unless I'm dead right now. Oh god I'm not, am I?" The onset of panic beginning to set into Obie's eyes, he hurriedly worked to explain the situation to Esmeralda. "I-I was just born in Soul Society! I've... I've never been to the Human World before, I promise!"